It’s Officially Christmastime!

It’s officially Christmastime. Yay!! We were blessed with another family gathering over the weekend, this time in San Diego. Rolf and I drove south on Thursday to visit some friends in Los Angeles and catch Wilson leading worship at an APU chapel, we then made our way to San Diego where we enjoyed some down time with Max on Friday. By Saturday, Olivia and Wilson joined us in SD and we all got to attend Max’s choir Christmas concert…a perfect way to usher in December! In the midst of all the family fun, Rolf made arrangements to surprise me with a mini reunion of my good friends and former co-workers at the restaurant we all gathered at 26 years ago for Rolf’s and my wedding rehearsal dinner! What a sweet time of reminiscing, affirmation and prayer with old friends.

Our first stop was a quick visit with Justin and Victoria Nelson…Moriah’s parents. It’s always a sacred time with these two!

Wilson has been a percussionist in the APU Liturgical Chapel Band since he was a sophomore and we’ve not attended any of his chapels in person so going to Thursday’s chapel was an extra-special treat. Wilson has a love for hymns and it shows in his leading of “Great Is Thy Faithfulness”! 🙂

It was a blustery day in SD on Friday and the surf was wild but oh, so mesmerizing to watch!

The leaning Christmas Tree of Ocean Beach!

Wilson, having never seen an eyelash curler before, asked Olivia what she was doing and so she demonstrated on him! His eyelashes never looked better!!!! Ha ha

Why?!? Why do they always end up in a headlock?

Our mini reunion…The kids? A bit taller. The grown ups? A bit grayer. The friendships? So much sweeter!

PLNU’s Annual Cider Celebration was, once again, a blessed time filled with a variety of goofy and worshipful moments. Max’s professor always includes really fascinating arrangements that leave the listener thinking…like this unique arrangement of “Silent Night”…

It’s tradition to close every concert with this benediction. The camera work isn’t anything to look at so turn up the volume, sit back, close your eyes and receive the blessing that it holds for you. 😉

The VERY astute Rudy’s Beat reader will notice I’m in a new wheelchair. My custom wheelchair was delivered last Wednesday just in time for our road trip. It’s just like the loaner I was using in function but has much more comfy chair pads and fits my measurements perfectly. I ended up sleeping in it two nights in the hotel because I can adjust my body position automatically as needed throughout the night…something that’s getting harder to do in bed by myself. I’m very thankful for the comfort and function it gives me and I don’t take for granted the gift it is even though it’s bittersweet. I catch glimpses of my silhouette in storefront windows all hunched over in a wheelchair and think “Who is that?…How did I get here?…I’m not the person people see at face value?” and yet it IS me…it’s part of the ever-changing definition of me. A definition that’s hard to deny the more durable medical equipment I need and the more dependent on others I become…my mind, however, is slow to adjust to the transitions my body is making. And so, I come home from a really fun and full weekend like this past weekend, surprised by how wiped out and completely useless (practically speaking) I am. I have a couple of big events this week but mostly I’ll have time to rest up and hopefully regain a bit of energy. You know, ‘kinda feel the need to listen to that blessing again…

Happy December Everybody…’wishing you fun and festive holiday prep in these few weeks leading up to Christmas!

Thankful

And just. like. that. our fun Thanksgiving weekend is over. The boys left yesterday after church and arrived back to their campuses safely. Olivia is pretty unmotivated to head back to school this morning after her week long break and I feel her pain…I don’t want her to go back either. Ha Ha But, then again, getting back to our normal routine isn’t a bad thing and we get to see the boys again this weekend so we shouldn’t complain!

Our long holiday weekend consisted of a lot of this…

Bed snuggling and Christmas movie watching with Olivia and Co.!!!

56460013399__4335D6E4-F03B-4DD4-85C8-7B1EC1FABEA9 — More snuggling while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

Although it was pretty tempting to stay in bed, we did manage to make it out of the house to celebrate Thanksgiving with good friends and the dear folks at the rescue mission…

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600_7468 (3) — Enjoying the sounds of the “Geyling Trio”.

Once again, there was magic in the air at the SBRM annual Thanksgiving feast…magic in the form of unconditional love, a strong sense of community and light-hearted fun. The kids helped set the mood with their music in the courtyard with a varied playlist of classic rock ‘n roll, contemporary country, worship songs and what turned into impromptu sing-a-longs…at one point, the homeless guests waiting in line for lunch started singing along to the kids’ rendition of “Stand By Me” and it was a fun moment for the guests and residents and staff hanging out together. Here’s a little sample of their sound…

I was sitting with one of the residents in the recovery program and we were handing out new socks to the homeless guests as they left the dining room after lunch. One of the guests came up with one hand carrying a to-go box of food and his other hand was holding up his pants…he fumbled a bit trying to grab the socks we were offering him while not letting go of his pants or dropping his container of food. The resident next to me said “Hey man, you need a belt?” to which the guest responded “Yeah man”. Without a second thought, the resident stood up and took off his belt and handed it to the guest. At first, the guest resisted saying “Oh, nah man!” but the resident insisted, “Take it man, it’s okay”. The guest put his things down, quickly put the belt on and picked up his food and socks and some toiletries that were also being given away with a big smile of gratitude on his face. My description doesn’t do it justice…but it was so powerful. I just sat there quietly, watching this precious interaction unfold and selfishly soaking up the magic that filled the day. So good!

We also headed out to the movie theater, enjoyed the pretty decorations downtown…

…got a jump start on our own holiday decorating…and cheered for a friend at his bball game…

Our last outing was a picnic lunch with Rudy yesterday (the 25th) before the boys headed back to school.

I guess it can go without saying that is was also a weekend filled with much emotion. My emotions are constantly just under the surface and it doesn’t take much to make me sob…I know it’s not a comfortable space for most to share with me but the reality is it’s hard to control once the tears start and it’s where I’m at…it’s honest. Have you noticed how honesty can hurt so, so deeply and often requires effort to be worked through but is always infused with movement, life, transformation and the power to draw us closer? There’s a gift to be excavated in those moments for sure.

So, the Christmas season is officially here and we look forward to an even longer break with the boys in just about 3 weeks! Woo Hoo…the countdown is ON! Happy Belated Thanksgiving dear friends…Thankful for you.

Poor Harley, this is what she looks like when everybody leaves.

“We’re Family”

I was given the honor of sharing a charge with the graduates at the latest SBRM graduation a couple of weeks ago. Sharing at the November graduation specifically had personal significance for me because Rolf, the big kids and I attended our first graduation in November of 2006 when Rolf interviewed for his current position as President. That graduation was my first exposure to the work and people of the SBRM and as I sat with tears streaming down my face overwhelmed by the transparency and love that filled the church that evening, I knew our family needed to be a part of it. Luckily, the search committee and board of directors felt the same way and Rolf began his SBRM employment two months later!! He commuted between LA and Santa Barbara for 6 long months until our house in Los Angeles sold and we relocated the whole family the following July! Our family’s relationship with the rescue mission was natural and casual from the very start…the kids related easily to the residents through football scrimmages in the parking lot and impromptu music sessions in the chapel and to the homeless guests at mealtimes and hanging out in the courtyard. I may have shared this story before but I remember when the big kids were young, they were interviewed on a local radio show and the host asked the kids if they liked volunteering at the rescue mission. There was an awkward radio silence until one of them said “no, we don’t volunteer there.”!! Not hearing the response she expected, the host quickly changed the subject. Afterward, I asked the kids what they were thinking…”why didn’t you answer her question? You guys are there all the time!” . The kids looked at me a little confused and said “but we aren’t volunteers, we’re family.” Ah, yes, indeed. That was a special season in the life of our young family. I miss our weekly family dinners in the dining hall with the residents and guests as well as our drop in visits to see the women at the Bethel House.

The Rescue Mission is in the middle of a $10 million remodel…a capital campaign that Rolf and his team have been working hard on for the past few years. Phase 1 of the remodel was recently completed and the administrative staff got to move into their new offices. Olivia and I went over to help Rolf hang his pictures and unpack boxes. It is a beautiful facility and will serve our community well for many decades to come. I’m so proud of all the hard work, blood, sweat and tears that have gone into this project so far. There is much work left to be done but there is light at the end of the tunnel and morale is high. I admit I got overwhelmed touring the new building and seeing all the amazing potential for future ministry and programs. I guess I didn’t realize how emotionally invested I was in this remodel project and how deeply I wish I could be a part of the great work that is going to fill the freshly painted halls of this very special space in the future.

Sharing words of encouragement to the graduates also allowed me the opportunity to share my genuine love for the Santa Barbara Rescue Mission…the work done through it, the people that fill it and the God who empowers it to “rebuild broken lives”. ‘Just to be clear, it isn’t a perfect place but it’s genuine in it’s intent for good and in it’s dependency on God and that is a powerful combination!!!

The video of my charge was shared on the SBRM website so I’ve attached it below for the record. 😉 You’re welcome to listen to it if you have 12 minutes to spare.

Holiday Prep

The pace of this last week has been much slower. The weeks between the end of September and the start of November were particularly full so a little respite before the holidays begin is a good thing. I started another round of Radicava infusions this week which gives me another reason to lounge in bed and watch Hallmark Christmas movies (yes, I’m one of those people!). Actually, it’s getting to the point where I don’t need an excuse to be in bed…it’s where I’m most comfortable and where I spend most of my day…out of necessity. I’m still doing my own self-care (i.e. showering and getting dressed) but it’s slow going and pretty much wipes me out. A couple of trips to the bathroom and back are about all I can handle by myself during the day. My lack of energy is no longer just a nuisance but a real hurdle in me doing the basics.

The gradual (BUT NOT GRADUAL ENOUGH!) nature of this disease is a perplexing process. You’d think knowing what your needs are at any given point would be obvious but it isn’t…it’s kind of like standing near the edge of a fog bank…you see it coming but you don’t really notice you’re in the thick of it until you can’t see a few feet in front of you anymore and all of a sudden there is a frantic need to do something about it. There are some things you can do to be “pro active” in this process but when it comes to certain specifics, you don’t know until you know and that is a little distressing. I am definitely on the verge of transitioning to yet another level of support. Each transition pushes me farther away from what is familiar and into new territory…territory that is unknown, frightening, exhausting, humiliating, territory that requires truckloads of patience & grace as well as a constant adjustment of expectations on every level imaginable. My body feels like it started out in a pool of water, transitioned to a vat of wet cement and now that cement is beginning to harden. It’s happening, I can feel it and there is nothing I can do to stop it. A tough reality to face day in and day out no matter how full or empty the calendar may be.

On the bright side, I am using the extra time I have this week to do some holiday prep. Bound and determined to hand address all 400 of our Christmas cards this year, I got an early start and am chipping away at the list a little bit at a time (address a few, take a nap, address a few more, take a nap, etc, etc). 🙂

Two of my sweet friends came over yesterday and helped me get a jump start on a couple of projects and some wrapping while we listened to Christmas music…now, THAT kind of help I can embrace enthusiastically. Ha Ha Oh friends, who am I kidding, I’d be doing all this Christmas prep already with or without ALS!!! I’ve said from the very beginning of this journey that I wanted to stay true to myself so, I guess, my hyper organized approach to Christmas is a good example of that. (Yay for the fun of Holiday Prep!!)

Rolf and I on our 26th wedding anniversary. November 7, 2018

Dia de los Muertos

Thanks to the 2017 Disney/Pixar film Coco, the Mexican “Day of the Dead” holiday is more widely known and part of popular culture than ever before. I didn’t know anything about it until I moved to a predominantly hispanic community 28 years ago. It is observed from October 31-November 2 so when I was first introduced to it, I thought it was Mexico’s version of Halloween and because I wasn’t a big fan of the skull and La Calavera Catrina symbols associated with the holiday, I didn’t really pay a whole lot of attention to it in general. I didn’t understand it’s deep historical roots or it’s profound meaning at that time which is why I’m super glad I took the time to learn more about it over the years.

As I understand it, the holiday at it’s core is time set aside for family and friends to gather and honor loved ones who have passed away. Dia de los Muertos (or Dia de Muertos) traditions include building altars to honor the deceased, preparing the loved ones’ favorite foods and visiting their graves with their favorite possessions and gifts. Long ago, the holiday was observed for a whole month but the modern tradition lasts three days with November 1st being reserved specifically for dead children and infants…known as Dia de los Inocentes or Dia de los Angelitos…and November 2nd for deceased adults…and as Coco so beautifully illustrated, it can be done with such color and creativity and enthusiasm!

I have an even GREATER appreciation for the love expressed through the observance of this holiday as I’ve received word that Rudy is being included in some very special tributes this year…

dia de los muertos — Rudy is pictured front and center in Nurse Gina’s altar display!!! What a sweet act of love by his former night nurse.

Rudy’s former teacher “Miss A” texted me a picture of this poster displayed at his school. The students were encouraged to share a name of a deceased loved one and and then talk about what gift they’d bring to that person. If you zoom in on the picture, you’ll see many of Rudy’s schoolmates listed his name and said they’d bring him cars!!! What a sweet comfort!

…and the tradition of bringing gifts and favorite possessions to the gravesite makes our collective effort on the year anniversary of Rudy’s death back in July even more meaningful! Yay! Way to go friends!!

As I was looking closely at Nurse Gina’s altar picture, it dawned on me that we have our own version of an altar!!! We have a space on our living room cabinet where a collection of pics have gathered over the years as our loved ones have passed away…

Well, given that today is November 1st (Dia de los Inocentes) and we’ve already taken “gifts at the gravesite”, I guess the only thing left to do is to whip up some pizza, tomato basil soup and ranch dressing. Love you Rudy! You are remembered and celebrated by many today and we are grateful for the village of friends that still thinks of and loves you too. Big hugs!!!

Eating his favorite at Kyles Kitchen…tomato basil soup…in 2017!!!

(P.S. I think it’s interesting to note that Rudy’s original due date was November 1st. He ended up coming a month early…how strange it would be now if his birthday had been November 1st)

Helicopter Parents

Rolf and I enjoyed a gorgeous Saturday up in San Luis Obispo this weekend to watch Wilson compete in this year’s Ranger Challenge. He has been a member of his ROTC battalion’s Ranger team every year since he was a freshman and it was a real treat to finally see him and his teammates in action. We did, however, stick out like sore thumbs since these are not typically spectator events buuuut…..we didn’t care! Ha Ha

LTC Doyle caught a picture of Wilson being a beast while Rolf and I were in the background looking like dorks with our cameras fixated on our boy! 🙂 #helicopterparents

Ok, I admit, in our excitement, Rolf and I might have gone a little overboard in our photo documentation…the quote of the day was by Wilson right after this picture was taken…”So, we’ll see you at the next station then?” Which is code for “You can move along now.” 🙂

Each competition course is different but all consist of several timed stations that require the team to complete a task. Yesterday’s stations were spaced along a 12 mile course that the participants marched with their 40lb rucksacks! After 6 1/2 hours of continuous competition and ruck marching, the cadets had to complete an obstacle course that included the following…

It was an impressive effort by all the cadets and Rolf and I were in awe of their determination and grit. When all was said and done the Cal Poly SLO team had home base advantage and won the competition but Wilson’s team came in 2nd place! Woo Hoo

And, while we’re at it, here’s an important PSA for ya!

The base we were on had a display of antique helicopters, army airplanes and trucks. Rolf and I couldn’t help but think of Rudy the entire time we were there…he would have LOVED this outing…no crowds, lots of cool vehicles to explore & room to roam and, best of all, seeing Wilson!!

He is never far from our thoughts in all that we do, that’s for sure.

An Ongoing Evite

Olivia temporarily set aside her XC running shoes this past weekend and pulled out the lacrosse equipment for an off season tournament here in SB. We enjoyed extended time out on Santa Barbara’s beautiful polo fields and the event was made even sweeter by a spontaneous visit from big bro Wilson and family friend Johanna.

LAX SB Showdown October 2018 030 — PC: Nancy Naretto

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TWO entrees Olivia?!?! Ha Ha She worked up a big appetite after two full days of LAX. 🙂

In addition to the Lax Showdown, Santa Barbara was host to the annual DP XC Invitational a couple of weeks ago…another good reason to be outdoors enjoying the amazing SB weather and cheering for our girl, her teammates & friends!

We’ve had a lot going on this month…big milestones, big events, fun day trips, lots of visitors and special outings. It’s been a wonderful month with family and friends as well as a difficult month with many tears and an increasing battle with depression. Part of me wants to fill every minute of every day to completely distract myself from the heaviness of it all but I’m also finding that if I don’t carve out the space and take the time to gather my thoughts, I get anxious which only adds to the feelings of depression. Balance on many levels remains key to coping with and managing this journey.

I so appreciate the opportunity that today’s technology offers me to process life in a blog that can be shared so effortlessly with family and friends. What started out over a decade ago as an effort to keep folks informed about detailed medical information regarding Rudy ended up turning into a precious family journal over the years and morphed again this last year into a personal record of life and loss. I may not be in a season where I feel the freedom to invite people to much as it has such an emphasis on the future, but I do feel the freedom to invite people in and that is profoundly important to me right now as it allows for a connection with others and is often a catalyst for meaningful conversations at a time when I feel increasingly isolated. I guess you could say the blog is an “evite” for others to share in a life experience that is painful and threatening but also rich and rewarding. 😉 Your willingness to continually “accept” my invitation blesses me deeply and I thank you!

On the medical front, the increased weakness in my right foot warranted me getting a brace to match the one I’ve been wearing on my left leg. I questioned why it was even necessary to get the additional brace if my mobility becomes increasingly limited and I can’t walk anyway, but both the Dr. and Nobbe confirmed the braces will be necessary for transferring from one surface to another in the future so now I look like Rudy. 🙂 What a strange, surreal, somewhat familiar path this is…

I can’t believe October is winding down…next week is Halloween and another SBRM graduation!! Wow! Time is flying staggeringly fast and I’m finding that a little unsettling but Autumn is a favorite season of mine so I guess I should embrace it. Fall Blessings to you and yours.

Public Appearances

The past couple of weeks have been fuller than normal for us in recent months and I’m paying for it now but it’s soooo worth it! My limitations continue to be an adjustment for us all but we’re figuring it out, finding a sweet rhythm and learning to pace ourselves. I’m grateful for the support of family and friends that help make the life we attempt to do possible. Although I’m not as independent with the wheelchair as I hoped I’d be, I do enjoy outings more with it and am so grateful for the fun it allowed me to have this past week especially…

Wilson came home last weekend and was able to join us for the SB Rescue Mission’s annual fundraising event out at Dos Pueblos Ranch…it was a beautiful afternoon..’so glad these two and Oma were with us.

Last weekend was also DP’s homecoming…and Olivia’s debut as the Charger mascot!

7b1a7540 — And how fun it was to crash Olivia’s homecoming photo shoot with her friends…

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On Wednesday, our local Fellowship of Christian Athlete clubs participated in an annual city-wide outreach and, as a member of the student leadership team, Olivia shared part of her story. Olivia does not typically share personal things publicly so the significance of her willingness to share was not lost on me and Rolf leading up to Wednesday…how very grateful I am that she chose to put herself out there…for her own heart health as well as those who got to hear her share. Her story impacted me deeply and taught me something new. Thank you Livy Jo.

Rolf and I drove down to San Diego on Thursday to watch Max perform on campus at a gathering called Musoffee (music and coffee)…

Dinner with friends Andrew and Noelle before the show!

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It was so much fun watching him have a blast doing something he loves to do…

An added bonus for me was the chance to connect with this sweet gal…a good high school friend from Indy who just “happened” to be in San Diego for a family celebration! So, so grateful for Annie’s friendship and the chance to give her a BIG SQUEEZE! God is good to me 😉

Grateful!

Oops, I Did It Again!

It’s been a while since I fell and actually hurt myself but I took a tumble on Thursday when my knee buckled on the way to the bathroom and I sprained my ankle. Thankfully, it’s my bad leg this time so it’s not that debilitating…just painful. Arrrgh!

As it turns out, my spill is a bit symbolic because it happened minutes after Olivia successfully passed her driver’s test and became an independent, licensed driver! Woo Hoo! Way to go Olivia!!! I have been praying in recent months that I’d be able to physically drive until Olivia got her license…and God answered my prayer! Praise Him! However, now that Livy is able to drive herself to all her fun activities and because my reaction time in my weakening right foot is getting slower it’s time for me to voluntarily give up driving. It’s not like I was driving a ton other than to take Olivia to school each morning anyway but it’s a tough reality to go from “choosing” not to drive to not being able to do so safely. 😦 So, significant milestones continue to be marked in the Geyling household…marked with a tinge of heartbreak but mostly gratitude and relief for answered prayers!

Family Time

The California Geylings descended upon Kansas City this past weekend for my niece Emma’s wedding to Josh Mais. It was an aMAISing wedding adventure and I’m so thankful our family was able to join in on the fun. How do I sum up a weekend like we had? It was, as all celebrations seem to be for me these days, so deeply bittersweet…so, SO fun to watch the kids enjoy time with their cousins and soak up all the laughter and shenanigans, so good that we scheduled an extra day to visit with my brother, sister-in-law and mom when the flurry of activity was over and so sweet to connect with their special peeps and my sis-in-law’s family that we’ve gotten to know over the years but the weekend was also bitterly painful and that was hard to face at times.

There was the obvious heartbreak…I can’t go to a bridal shower, wedding celebration or baby shower and not be overcome by waves of grief over the very real threat of missing out on such occasions for my own kids. I think Rolf and I would be really good at hosting a wedding together and we’d be fun grandparents (if I do say so myself). That is an ongoing heartbreak, for sure, but I was kind of surprised by how hard it was to be there and not be able to really participate…there was a day when I would have hopped to it and jumped in to lend a helping hand and would have enjoyed being a part of the logistics. Instead, I was a spectator in every sense of the word and that felt really foreign.

There was also a moment after the ceremony when the extended Wilson family was called up for a group picture. I stood up with support from my guys on either side and then had to hang tight for a minute while other shots were being taken. At one point, the photographer looked back and saw me but assumed, I think, that I’d get out of his way as he hurried to get his shot. I couldn’t move fast enough and he backed into me. It was totally understandable and really not that big of a deal but the incident was an emotional trigger and my slow, slooooooow maneuvering into place for the family picture only accentuated me feeling like a huge elephant in the room and I started to cry…NOT helpful when about to take a picture!! Yeah, didn’t see that coming either.

As Rolf, Olivia and I drove the boys to the airport for their return flight on Sunday, Wilson shared with us how he got emotional during the reception when Josh danced with his mom. I was able to share that I could relate and how desperately I wish I could be present at future Geyling weddings and next generation celebrations but it dawned on me as we talked that there is comfort knowing that we have celebrated well as a family over the years. There are no regrets there. Whether simple or elaborate, celebrating life was something we valued as a young family and I know that my kids know what a passionate participant I’d be if I could by the many examples in our family history. ‘Counting on memory serving us well in the future.

There was, however, a ton of fun that was had as well and here’s a look at some of it! Rudy wasn’t far from our thoughts and ended up being a big part of an ongoing photo game we played throughout the weekend. In case you missed it on social media, here’s our #lookingforlightning scavenger hunt…