Living in Limbo

I apologize if I’m beginning to sound like a broken record but I’m not a big fan of living in limbo.  On one hand, it seems like a pretty straight forward concept…”an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition” and because we’ve been in this “intermediate state” as it relates to Rudy’s medical journey since 2010 AND because we’ve come to terms with not hanging our hat on the hope of the Glenn or heart transplant at this point, you’d think the whole “limbo” thing would become kind of a moot point.  The reality for me, however, is that I’m still wrestling with how that plays out in real time and I’m still exploring the complicated (and not so straight forward) layers of living in a prolonged state of limbo…primarily, of course, because it’s uncertain.

This isn’t the first time Rolf and I have lived in limbo.  There was a period of about 7 years when we left the work we were doing in South Central Los Angeles, before we made our move to Santa Barbara where we waited on God for direction.  It was a perplexing time because we knew without a doubt that God had called us to leave one situation but it was not accompanied by a clear calling TO the next thing whether it be a specific job or ministry or even location.  We moved seven times during that season and had close to 10 odd jobs between the two of us to make ends meet…it was a challenging time and I fought the temptation to be consumed by the uncertainty of it all on a daily basis.  I am a woman of order and discipline and I very much dislike it when my life is NOT orderly and disciplined.  ‘Doesn’t bode well for someone living in a constant state of uncertainty…until I learned that uncertainty doesn’t have to be a chaotic, negative thing but can be “an expression of breathless expectation” (quoted from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest/April 29).  I grew to see the truth of that insight for our family back then and though the circumstances are different, I must believe it’s true for our family now as well…

Rudy had his 2-month appointment with his local cardiologist yesterday.  Again, nothing dramatically different was revealed in his echo…just evidence of the slow progression his heart is journeying.  Rudy’s hemoglobin is up from 21 to 22.9 (normal would be around 13).  To put things in perspective, Dr. Harake explained that Rudy’s enlarged right atrium and right ventricle are bigger than a big adult’s right atrium and ventricle would be which led to another discussion about physics which led to the warning that there is a limit to the pressure Rudy’s enlarged heart will be able to sustain.  He admitted that he just doesn’t know what will happen (there’s the uncertain part).  He hasn’t heard of a case of HLHS where the child has survived pre-Glenn as long as Rudy without surgical treatment…no doubt a miracle (definitely falls into the breathless expectation category) but, still, there is this nagging ache on which the fear of it all feeds (there’s the human nature component).  It’s difficult to separate the two realities.  As we left the examination room, Dr. H said we were doing a great job, gave me a reassuring hug and told me that he learns something new from me at every appointment…(his comment made me giggle because I had JUST had a conversation with someone about “everything happening for a reason” and how I don’t believe tragic things happen for a specific purpose but that I do believe purpose can be birthed from tragic circumstances…hmmmm, either way, it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the big picture and Dr. H’s comment was a sweet reminder of that).

So, where am I going with all this?  I have no idea…this is most definitely me externally processing but I do take comfort in the reminder that uncertainty creates room for endless possibility…I’ll keep you posted 🙂

This week has been full of work around home and more appointments but last week had something significant each day.  Here’s a week in the life of Rudy…

Monday –

Big boy Rudy waving goodbye on his way to summer school.

Tuesday –

The long-awaited family date to see Cars 3 did not disappoint! Rudy was in heaven!!!

Wednesday –

Said goodbye to Oma.

Thursday –

Rudy went on his very first playdate ALONE with some friends from school…to see Cars 3 again!

Friday –

Spent the morning in the ER…supporting Wilson who had a little mishap with his motorcycle. Rudy was quite peeved he didn’t have control of the tv remote but it was, after all, Wilson’s gig this time around.  And, YES, Rudy wore the same shirt 4 days in a row!!!!

Ha Ha!  June is wrapping up quick around here.  We’re gearing up for the 4th of July holiday and Vacation Bible School next week at our church…living in limbo doesn’t feel so bad when there’s lots of fun to be had!  Bless you friends and thank you for your prayers!


So, I’m just not sure we could have squeezed anything else into the last week and a half.  The out-of-towners have come and gone (accept for Oma who is staying one more week), Max’s weeklong celebration with his classmates is over, Olivia went to an out of town Lacrosse tournament and back, Rudy had a full week of medical appointments and Wilson made it home safe and sound from Ft. Knox, KY late last night after his month in Madagascar.  In between, there were pool parties and crazy antics and food (so much food!).  Needless to say, today is clear of any commitments so I’m staying in bed as long as possible.  😉

The months of senior activities and fun anticipation for the DP Class of 2017 culminated in last Thursdays graduation celebration…it was so fun to share the day with our out of town guests and hometown friends!



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Max with Oma and Grandma Jo.



After graduation, we hosted a house full of friends to celebrate and it was rich.  Max’s godmother, who flew in all the way from Wichita, shared some beautiful scripture and words of affirmation & blessing AND Coach Mollkoy (for whom Max TA’d this year) had a special presentation too!  Max felt well celebrated and expressed his gratitude for all the love from family and friends on more than one occasion!  Yay!  So grateful!



After all that, Rudy still had one more day of school…

We’re not quite sure what Rudy did to deserve being in the “red zone” but it was clear the last week of school that he was DONE and ready for a break. Ha Ha
Making slime with Ms. Ochoa was fun though!

Our church has an annual tradition of recognizing the graduates on “Graduation Sunday”…those promoting from 6th grade to Jr. High and from 8th grade to High School, as well as the High School and College graduates.  ‘So excited for this bunch!

Love these kids!

One of the things I love most about our church is the “team effort” that goes into the investment of our youth…this certainly was demonstrated in the comments shared with (and about) Max during the service…well done, dear friends, thank you, thank you!!

We are so grateful to our moms and KS nephews and Max’s godmother for making the effort to come all the way to California for Max!  Their presence made all the celebrating even more special for sure…well done everybody and thank you, thank you!!

My mom (Jo) and Rolf’s mom (Helga) with a quilt that was started by Jo’s mom (my grammie) and finished by Helga. LOVE IT!!! Such a gift from both moms in my life!!!
Rudy lovin’ him some cousin time with Michael and Jonathan.
Rudy and Susie-Q!
The Wichita and Overland Park Kansans bonded over late night pool parties and…
…bugging Max at work! 😉

Medical Update:

Rudy’s one-week break between the end of the school year last Friday and the start of summer school this coming Monday is almost over.  As it turned out, it was packed with routine dr. appts Monday through Thursday.  We still have neurology, cardiology and a trip to the dental clinic at UCLA coming up in a couple of weeks but we were able to check gastroenterology, orthopedics and the bi-annual visit to the heart clinic off our list this week.  The news from GI is that Rudy is losing weight and needs to bulk up a bit so an increase to his daily volume of Pediasure has been ordered.  Our appointment at UCLA’s heart clinic yesterday was exceptionally long (with a nearly hour long echo) but there isn’t any major change in Rudy’s heart function since December…a good thing!  The most surprising news this week came from the orthopedist who determined that Rudy no longer needs his braces!!!!  I didn’t see that coming AT ALL and it took me a few seconds to process what he meant.  Ha Ha  Dr. Early recommended we stop using the braces and track Rudy’s falls (an increase in falls may mean a return to the braces) but he suspects Rudy will grow in leg strength pretty quickly now that the calf muscle will be free to move and get exercised.  As a result, our day in LA yesterday included a trip to Famous Footwear for a pair of new shoes AND new sandals!!!!  Rudy is so proud!


Speaking of LA, when we finished at UCLA, we stopped for lunch in Westwood and ran into the echo technicians who conducted Rudy’s echo…guess who elbowed his way into their lunch break?


So, as always, there is much to celebrate and much to ponder.  In the meantime, we’ll continue to focus on quality time with family and friends and remember to breathe once in a while!



It’s finally here!  The last week of school for Olivia and Rudy, a full schedule of fun senior activities and graduation for Max and a house full of family and friends to help us celebrate.  Our only regret is that Wilson won’t be here to share in the fun but two of my nephews are coming in from Kansas to fill the “big brother” shoes in his absence and Max is excited they are on their way.

We get quick texts from Wilson from time to time and from all accounts, it sounds like he is LOVING his experience in Madagascar.  We haven’t heard a ton of specifics from him yet (looking forward to hearing all his stories when he returns) but he did tease us with this photo of a new friend…


Rolf, Rudy and I have been blessed to attend various awards presentations these last couple of weeks for both Max and Olivia.  As nice as it is to see your child be acknowledged for academic success or talent or skill, what fills our hearts most is, hands down, recognition of character.  And as much as I want my kids to be equipped for professional success, I hope the foundation of their primary education has been (and ultimate take away will be) that character counts in EVERY way…both in public and private.

Olivia receiving the “Emerging Professionals Award” from Santa Barbara’s Partners in Education organization.
DP Senior Awards

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We were super blessed to host our church’s annual baptism service on Sunday…best use of our pool EVER…



…that and a great place to recline on a Sunday afternoon!


Now all eyes are on Maxo!  Yesterday was his last day of school!!!  We couldn’t help but dig up this little treasure from 2004 to commemorate this special right of passage…I love me some Kindergarten Max.

Last day of 12th grade!




I’m so grateful these two had a shared year together at DP. They’ve grown closer this year but also established their own, individual identities on campus…a good balance, for sure. 😉

Ok, I’m off to the airport to pick up Gma Jo!  Oma and the nephews arrive tomorrow!  Max’s godmother comes in on Thursday!  Woo Hoo…Let’s get this party started!!