Holding My Breath

This time last year we were enjoying our last full day with Rudy – a day Rolf eloquently captured in this post.  Today, I’m holed up in my bedroom with a window air conditioner because of rare extreme heat hitting Goleta this week and lying in my bed immobilized by legs that are fatigued and weak.  I feel trapped as tomorrow closes in and I find I’m holding my breath in between bouts of tears that spring without warning.  I want to run away…I want to escape.  The reality, though, is that there is no escape so I guess my physical reality represents the emotional reality of today.  The goal is to not get overwhelmed and to remember to breathe.

The SBRM graduation on Saturday was, once again, amazing.  I wish you could experience one.  The event really is beyond explanation…it’s a moment in time the memory of which, we pray, is seared into every graduate’s mind and heart because it is not only a vivid picture of their success and hope for the future but, more importantly, it is a vivid picture of God’s presence and the support of community going forward.  When life gets hard for the graduates, our prayer is they will have the strength and clarity of mind to use the tools they’ve been taught, to know they are not alone in the journey and reach out for a stabilizing hand.


This is my favorite moment in every graduation.  This is the moment when past graduates are invited to come to the altar and pray with the new graduates at the close of the ceremony.  Often there isn’t enough room for everybody and the crowd spills up the aisles!  It’s profound and humbling and powerful.  It’s authentic love and it impacts everyone in the room whether you’re in recovery or not.  I’m so grateful to God that this powerful celebration occurred in the days leading up to this sad, sad week.  How grateful I am to share in a celebration that has soul significance in the midst of such deep, personal heartbreak.  How very grateful I am for the community that surrounds our family and the hundreds of hands outstretched in our direction.  Thank you God!  Thank you, dear friends, for the texts, emails, notes, flowers, LMcQueen cars, food, for running errands, doing laundry, making the day to day function smoothly…for your ongoing outstretched hands both near and far.

Please pray for us specifically this afternoon.  I’m getting measured and fitted for a motorized wheelchair today.  Practically it’s a good thing but it is a tough pill to swallow.  If it’s true that the symptoms of ALS are exacerbated by stress and anxiety then I’m screwed!!!…(this week anyway).   The goal remains to not get overwhelmed and to remember to breathe!  😉



13 thoughts on “Holding My Breath

  1. Breathe my precious friend! I am keeping you and your precious family so close in my thoughts and prayers these days leading up to tomorrow and beyond. I love you!

  2. Only you could make me weep and laugh out load in the space of 5 seconds reading! I’m so glad you are on this earth, Trish Geyling! However long that may be. HOWEVER LONG. Praying for the release of tears and laughter minute by minute, my dear friend and teacher.

  3. Holding you all up in prayer and love and hope today, my friend! Mike and I prayed for you last night too. I love you! “From the ends of the earth I call to You, I call as my heart grows faint (overwhelmed). Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2❤️❤️❤️ We are praying this over you today and this week.

  4. Your words “this week anyway” are words for all of us to live by…We all know and yet we all forget -this week – this day – this moment is all any of us we really have.
    During an especially difficult time like right now with the wheelchair coming and tomorrow looming – it’s impossible to feel anything other than it will always feel this bad or even worse … but what we know, is that there will be good days and bad days for all of us, and given how bad this feels right now – you must clearly be on the cusp of something good.
    Sending endless love and support, Joyce & John

  5. Thank you again Trish for your honesty. It feels so small to say I am praying when I can’t begin to know how heavy this burden is. You are loved tremendously as is the whole Geyling clan. Tomorrow will be a celebration like no other as Rudy celebrates one year of freedom with his heavenly family and we celebrate the 8 1/2 years we were blessed by him. To God be the glory! Peace He leaves with you today.

  6. Trish, I speak about you and your precious family more than you could know. It is extremely helpful to reference “real Christians” such as you who others immediately recognize as loving, holy, and different. You give evidence to our apologetics. Keep on keeping on!

  7. Love you Trish and praying from afar for you and your family. We will be lifting you all up very specifically tonight (now) and this week. I’ve been reading 1 Peter 1 this week and one phrase keeps sticking with me “according to His great mercy…” Hoping and praying with you and for you. Annie

  8. Dear Trish,
    Breathing and praying for you all today and this week. Sending love. Although we shared space for not much time a long time ago, you and your entire beautiful family have had such an impact on us. We continue to read your blog and share your joys and tears and keep you in our prayers.

  9. Dear Trish. Our very dear, faithful, humble and loving Trish. Life is like a box of chocolates….remember that line? So simple, but so true. We never know what we’re going to get…

    We are loving you, lifting you in prayer, wrapping our arms around you and we are full of Love. Full of Hope. And full of the Lord’s spirit. And His love for you and for us wraps us all together in a tender caress that surpasses all else.

    Trish, I know how much you miss Rudy. My heart aches every time I think of him. I know how much you and Rolfe and the kids absolutely adored him. I know I will carry love for that precious child and ache for your loss for the rest of my life. But with that ache, I also know that one day that pain will be replaced with joy. One day we will all be reunited with our Lord, and all our loss and ache and fear and heartache will be replaced with incredible joy.

    Sweet Trish. I think of you every single day. I pray for you and for Rolf, and for your absolutely terrific kids. I know this journey had been hard for you all… It’s been excruciating for everyone that loves the Geyling family. But we continue to keep on our path, and we know… We truly KNOW that the Lord is in charge and has His hand in every aspect of our life on this Earth.

    Keep the faith, Trish. You are loved and supported more than you will ever know.

    The Lord’s peace be with you!

    BIG love, and many prayers,


  10. My Dearest Special Friend. You are the inspiration of ALL INSPIRATIONS. You make me cry, laugh, and be so very grateful every day of my life, just knowing you. If every person in this sorry world could hear you speak, see you smile and listen to you sing……their lives would be complete.

    I pray everyday for you sweet friend. God is a “Miracle God”….He is a constant surprise to our lives, as in His perfect time, he shows us His face.
    Love to you and my prayers are with you TOMORROW.

  11. I vividly remember Rudy’s HUGE heartwarming smile in your blog posts, no matter what adversity he may have gone through, he always managed to show us that smile.
    May this vision help you get through the day.
    His pure love is shining on all of you!

  12. I think about and pray for your family often. Sending much love to all of you, especially during this week. ❤️

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