Quietly Slipping Away

I’m going to need you to bear with me the next couple of weeks, dear friends.  I’m feeling particularly reflective these days and when that is combined with a heightened awareness of grief as we approach the year anniversary of Rudy’s death and burial, I could err on the side of over posting.  My brain is firing at warp speed and, as always, I’d like to somehow capture all the thoughts and feelings and not get totally lost in them but then again maybe I won’t have the energy to do the hard work of processing it all and I’ll go radio silent…it’s hard to know.  The vivid memories of Rudy this time last year are already haunting me and Rolf which makes me wonder how we’re going to get through this next week.  Awww Rudy, you are beyond missed.

I have a long list of questions for God when I see Him face to face.  I have a lot of questions about how this past year unfolded specifically.  Aside from the obvious trauma, this has been a very strange year.  For reasons beyond our control, many important, traditional events in our family’s annual calendar were cancelled…for example, you may recall that the Thomas fire back in December took out most of Christmas, more recently the major remodel at the Rescue Mission forced the cancelation of the 4th of July celebration for the homeless guests (which is by far our family’s favorite holiday at the SBRM) and just this past week our church decided to cancel Vacation Bible School for a variety of perfectly logical reasons.  On the one hand, it could be described as God’s grace to not have to face it all this first year without Rudy (because he was such a big presence in it all) but on the other hand, my disease is taking me faster than I want to go and for that reason I feel like I’m being deprived of the opportunity to fully engage one last time in the special traditions in which I take such great delight.  My body is changing and how I interact with my world is only going to look more and more different from here on out.  I kinda feel like I’m being deprived of a “victory lap” so to speak (aka Satan’s mockery).  Now since I’m pretty sure the world doesn’t revolve around me, I suspect the truth of the situation falls somewhere in between God’s grace and Satan’s mockery of me but the emotional ramifications remain the same…it makes me feel like I’m quietly slipping away behind this thick fog bank of loss & grief and crazy, random life circumstances.  I certainly continue to pray and hope that things plateau for me physically and life will stay unchanged for just a minute in the coming year but, if not….

In addition to preparing for Rudy’s 1 year anniversary and contemplating the meaning behind life’s crazy twists, I made the difficult decision to step back from leading worship at the SBRM graduations which means this Saturday will be the first graduation in 11 years where I haven’t led worship (actually, I think I did miss one graduation but it was so long ago I can’t remember why).  It’s painful to step back but it seems like the right time as my symptoms become more distracting.  I have considered it an incredible honor to share (through worship) in the sacred-ground celebrations of sobriety and freedom with dozens of heroic individuals who successfully completed their year long program over the years…and I will miss it…but I certainly am no less proud of the work of the SBRM staff and residents as I continue my support from the pew!  Yay Graduates!!  Yay God!!

Thank you again for the fun collection of Lightening McQueen cars and for your prayers leading up to next Wednesday.  We are planning a private day but feel surrounded by our loving community as represented by all of Rudy’s cars!!!  We are beyond blessed and don’t take any of your expressions of love for granted.  Thank you dear ones.  We love you too.


13 thoughts on “Quietly Slipping Away

  1. It’s all so sad and so unfair and so impossible to understand- how could all of this happen to such a wonderful family and in particular to such a beautiful woman/mother/wife – it’s just incomprehensible…
    Still your strength and vulnerability lead the way – comforting your sadness, pain and anger. You are yours are surrounded by love and support which I hope brings you some small amount of warmth . Love Joyce and John

  2. Trish,
    I am at a loss for words as I sit hear reading your blog and see how quickly your life is changing. God brings you to mind often and I lift you in prayer. The journey that faces you is very real in some ways, but also unknown. Praying God will bring the people into your life each day to bring you encouragement and to sustain you.
    Our family just went through a 2 year journey with my brother-in-law who had ALS. Sending a hug and crying tears with you tonight.

  3. Trish, your beautiful and elequint message touches my heart. There are no words that can truly explain why things happen in this world but as you said, the day will come when we can stand in front of God and ask why.
    Until then, I am grateful He is present with us always and comforts us in our times of sorrow.
    May you always know we love you and your wonderful family dearly,
    John and Kerry Cervenka

  4. Trish i am so sad to read this. I dont really know you but what i know and see of you and Rolf and your family i know that the world will be darker wirhout your presence in it. I dont think you know me either but i wanted you to know that if i have been so touched by your words and thoughts and i am so distant from you-imagine how much you have positively impacted so many others even closer to you!!! I dont pray that much these days but you can be sure I will be praying for you and your family. Godspeed. Please let me know if I can do anything for you or your family from down here in San Diego.

  5. Thank you for your year reflection as it informs my prayers. Whew. Identifying the additional losses in this tender year make me wonder at God’s timing too. All seems to be “off” and different and weird and painful. I am praying that God speaks into this in ways you can see and sense. I love you.

  6. How you write with such tenderness and beauty despite the noise of the storm is amazing. As Janice said, all of this is “off” – I’ll be in line with you with some questions too, “WTH” is one of them and then brace for his wisdom because I don’t get it at all. I pray you get that victory lap, no one is more deserving, cant write you without crying sweetie – you are so loved.

  7. I have no words, Trish. My heart aches with yours, and I’m hugging you from a distance. Know Justin and I are always thinking if you guys, and praying. I love you, dear friend.

  8. I love you!❣️💞Keeping you and your sweet family in my thoughts and prayers, especially in light of Rudy’s anniversary.

  9. Thank you again for sharing, perhaps God has felt like His way would be the lesser pain? On a recent day of frustration & mental pain, I said to a friend, ‘This is another thing I’m going to ask God !’, she answered, ‘it’s not going to make any difference’ !! Is that over-simplification? Love you, ML

  10. I don’t think I’ll ever forget an incident that happened about this time last year. While leaving church, I spoke with Steve, your brother, who had that trademark cockeyed grin on his face, and who, with such glee announced that Rudy was coming to visit – here – right here in Leawood, Kansas!! I, too was excited – excited to see Rudy in the flesh, to see your entire family, and just to witness Steve’s immense pride and joy and love for his family. It seems like it was just a moment later when we heard the heart-wrenching news, the urgent prayer requests, and ultimately, news, mixed with sobering sadness yet closely intertwined with the goodness and mercy of our Savior. Slowly we gained our voice to honestly praise God for His great love – for allowing us to stretch our hearts by knowing and loving Rudy and how to loosen our grasp on people we love, being able to humbly release them back into His care. May you be blessed, comforted, and filled will unexplainable joy at this time. Loving you, your family, and your story from the great midwest. Deb Swirczynski

  11. I love you so much Trish and am SOOOO incredibly thankful for everything you and your family have provided for me. You are such an amazing women of God. I can’t wait to see all the good things that God has in store for my favorite fam but I will also be here for all of the upcoming sad time that you guys will be facing. Praying for you guys all the time! (p.s I wear my cross necklace every day so I think about you guys like at least a billion times a day).

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