Today is October 1, 2018. Today would have been Rudy’s 10th Birthday. Double digits!!! How proud Rudy would be!
My head hurts. Today is harder than last year…I think I was in shock last year, distracted by so many other things going on and numb on some levels. Today I’m feeling grief that is deep and specific to Rudy alone. His presence is profoundly missed as Rolf captured in his reflection for today…
On Rudy’s 10th Birthday:
The collection of broken remotes hasn’t grown since you left,
Yet I’m acutely aware of how many potential additions now lie readily within your grasp—
Down low on the couch,
Right there on the end table.
My full coffee cup sits in the danger zone,
Precariously next to me on the couch cushion,
My free hand always at the ready should you pounce.
But there’s little chance of that.
You would be too tempted by how easily the DVD cabinets could be opened and emptied,
We only recently realized there’s no need to keep the doors tied shut.
Or the lure of the open front door might prove irresistible
Provided you still remember that too much giddiness leads to detection.
If you could suppress the urge to squeal or call out “See ya!”
Who knows what adventure might await?
How I long for a few moments of panic,
Outing my parenting gaffe to the neighbors as I call out in search of you.
I’d happily make sense of all the books dumped out in front of the bookcase,
Trying to figure out where to tape in all the torn-out pages.
Lots of time for that since there’s no Hot Wheels clogging the tub drain.
I miss your happy chaos.
Rolf, Olivia, Oma and I will celebrate our boy later today with a trip to Kyle’s Kitchen and a special dessert (hopefully Oma’s chocolate roll cake!!!). I wish the big boys could join us but we’re all close in thought, for sure.
Looking at all the pictures on this day ten years ago, I’m reminded of how uncertain everything was…there was real concern that Rudy wouldn’t survive his birth or his first surgery or his harrowing recovery…there were so, so many wrenching twists and turns in the very beginning. Honestly, it’s hard to look back in retrospect, to see it all in it’s entirety and comprehend how it was even survivable for any of us. We may not be celebrating 10 years with our boy today but we do stop and celebrate the 8 1/2 years that were his life…a life that was rich and impactful and truly happy despite all of the challenges. Happy Day of your Birth Rudy! ‘Forever grateful for you…forever in love with you…forever changed by you.