I’m getting asked this question a lot these days. I don’t mind being asked but it has a complicated answer. So, how am I doing? Here’s the multi-layered answer…
As it relates to my 2nd opinion authorization, I’m discouraged and frustrated. It has gone far beyond bureaucratic BS and has become a truly twisted mess. I’m not sure how the process got so out of hand but there are now 3 different entities and multiple personnel working on it. As a result, there is still no approved authorization in hand or date on the calendar. I’m having a hard time connecting with UCLA as well. Unfortunately, the process is only serving to feed my fear and build up some pretty unrealistic expectations for what the 2nd opinion can offer us. I feel like I’m in a “no win” situation, literally, at every turn and my optimism is dwindling.
Physically? My body is fatigued but I’m not in any pain. The weakness in my left leg is causing me to limp. I navigate our home okay but feel self-conscience when I’m out and about. My speech is changing…I’m not sure how noticeable it is, but I’m noticing the change in my ability to form words and project. When I’m emotional, I can hardly articulate words at all. It’s very strange to be thinking the words I want to say but unable to say them correctly. I also have subtle twitches, just underneath the skin, all over my body all the time which is a constant reminder that my body is in a process. Right now the symptoms I’m experiencing are more annoying than debilitating but they certainly are adding to my fatigue and anxiety.
Emotionally? I’m struggling. Home is both the most physically comfortable and the most emotionally difficult place for me to be. I’m grieving and my home is a constant reminder of what I’ve lost and what I’m potentially losing. My mind just can’t process it. Right now the closest I can come to describing where I’m at emotionally is profoundly disappointed. Apathy is beginning to blanket my attitude toward everything. To be totally honest, there isn’t much I “want” to do. When organizing my day, I find myself choosing between the things I don’t want to do the least. My grief over losing Rudy is still so raw and “healing” in the grief process seems impossible because I have very little vision for my future. It’s like trying to treat a festering emotional wound with a salt shaker. I’m just really, really sad…all the time…with no relief.
Spiritually? Hopeful. I know this sounds contradictory to what I shared above but there is hope because God is near and I know that our current situation is just as much a spiritual journey as it is a physical one. One of my all time favorite quotes is from Betsie ten Boom – sister to Corrie ten Boom – who said (my paraphrase) there is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still. I know I can’t compare my experience to the brutality of Nazi Germany but life is brutal for our family right now and I feel like the pit is going to get deeper before life becomes less brutal. It’s the simple truths of God to which I’m clinging right now and they are putting a spotlight on my hope that is ever present whether I feel it or not.
Thank you, dear army of friends, for your prayers. Please continue! Love to you all.
Rudy's Beat 
Love pouring out over the miles from Baltimore. You are regularly featured in my prayers.
We will continue to be your army! I love you dearly and am continuing to hold you close in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for your continued Hope the midst of your trial and comfort in the midst of your grief.
You’re a incredible woman, wife and mom. Even in the depths of your trial, your thoughts and beautifully written words are an inspiration to everyone who reads them. 🙏💜
Oh Trish….thank you for sharing your heart of hearts !! “There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper still”.. I am going to ponder that all day…We all love you so much Trish girl!
xox.
Oh sweet Trish, my heart breaks for you. God is good and loves you all so much. We will continue to pray that you feel the strong arms of Jesus wrapped tightly around you and your family.
Love and prayers to you, sweet lady!❤️
I’m so very sorry, Trish. I pray for you regularly, but I wish I could do more. May God give you comfort and strength just when you need it. Love you!
You continue to express what all of us wish we could articulate about our fears and disappointments in this present life. Thank you. I read a quote in my One Thousand Gifts devotional that is so counter intuitive but you really do exemplify this thought, “That which I refuse to thank Christ for, I refuse to believe Christ can redeem.”
Your truthful about the pain and disappointments but between the lines is always a gratefulness for the presence of your loving Father and the gift of family and friends. Hugs and squeezes on this very difficult journey❤️
Prayers and hugs from Long Island. May God give you inner strength and peace. Love Nancy
Sweet Trish, I had no idea! My heart is praying for you and the Geyling gang. I hope this song blesses you today.
Just Breathe
Always close to my heart and the heart of God for sure.
I like this friend you quote, this Betsie ten Boom.
praying for you Trish and whole Geyling family!! Many hugs to you! Praying for you!!
It can’t possibly be ‘easy’ ……in truth what you are experiencing – and living through day to day is very normal. You are experiencing a great loss….. and it’s incredibly painful. Stay strong; God is near and longs to comfort you. Much love, Linda
I love you all…I find myself praying for you often. It usually follows a sweet thought of Rudy and the echo of his sweet voice in my ears. Thinking about how Max and Wilson are doing today. Wondering if Olivia is getting through her day ok. And hoping Rolf and you are able to feel the peace of Christ at this moment. The human in me wants to make sense of this, silly human…then I remember the faith that I’ve watched you have over the years and I’m reminded of my own faith. So, my sweet loving kind awesome and beautiful sister in Christ – today I love you. I love your gentle heart and your kind voice. I’m so thankful and blessed to have you in my life. When I think of all the times we have shared, a smile comes to my face and I’m just so thankful. So I just want you to know how loved you are, all of you. You are so loved by Our Sweet Lord and by so many silly humans!
Dear Trish and Rolf, I often find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning and it is not uncommon for you to be one of the first on my mind as I remember to use the time praying for others. The pain, the struggle is real. I’m grateful that you don’t put a shiny mask on it. Your spirit is beautiful in the midst of it all. Know that you are loved and cared about. I believe it’s the Holy Spirit who brings you to mind. God holds you close, even if/when it feels like you’ve been abandoned.
Thanks for the update…praying for you sweet one!
Oh Trish, I will keep you in my prayers. Yes, Jesus, your love is deeper still…beautiful quote. Carry your daughter through this terrible storm(s) and sustain her in every way. Buoy her hope to remain. We continue to bring you to Jesus’ presence like the friends of the paralytic in the gospel of Mark.
Praying for you and your family, Trish. Love you so much!