Today would have been Rudy’s 9th Birthday and it’s very likely we would have done something really fun after church today…something he enjoyed like bowling perhaps. We had so much fun celebrating birthdays and we loved how Rudy would wish everybody a “Happy Day Day” on their birthdays. I can’t tell you how much it sucks that we’re not celebrating with him. It’s a pain that cannot be described.
Today is even harder than I anticipated. I have been consumed with details of my own diagnosis for the past two weeks and haven’t had head space to grieve my boy. To be honest, I feel robbed of my grieving process and today snuck up on me. If the whole ALS thing hadn’t surfaced, I would have planned something significant to mark this day…I would have taken the time to honor him and memorialize him in a creative way. Instead, life has been turned upside down, again, and my heart isn’t in it. I’m not ready to face a birthday without our boy…I’m not ready to face much.
I wish I knew where to go with this…with the thousands of thoughts that are filling my mind. I’m finding it almost impossible to harness any coherent thought. I ping pong from feeling hopeful to devastated to peaceful to in despair in a matter of a few minutes. I feel physically strong one second and unable to catch my breath the next. I can be engaged in a friendly conversation with a friend at a XC meet and then suddenly feel completely overwhelmed by the blue skies and happy people around me. My lifeboat is taking on water and I’m too weary to care.
I’m feeling pretty powerless today. The insurance authorization process has been a slow one so we don’t have the 2nd opinion appointment on the calendar yet. We did get word on Friday that authorization approval was finally granted by Blue Shield which is a relief. Once we get the paperwork, we’ll call down to UCLA and make the appointment. Please pray there is an open slot waiting just for me asap.
I wish I could say there is some joy in remembering Rudy today…I wish I could say I’m making progress in my grief…but I can’t. Today the mud has hardened and life is at a standstill. Today the grief is unbearable.
Rudy’s school installed a bench in his memory outside his special ed classroom on Thursday…’grateful for such a sweet tribute on such a painful day. ‘Grateful, too, for everyone who reached out to us this week through texts, emails, phone messages, cards and flowers. Your love continues to buoy us. Please continue to pray.
Rudy's Beat 
Lots of prayers headed your way today–and for all of you! Know that we all care very much!!
Tears falling, prayers rising, cyber hugs enroute.
You’ve been on my mind and heart so much. And words are so inadequate, but I do pray for you all, and will specifically pray for the appt slot to be available soon.
Rudy will continue to touch lives….I love that bench! I can just hear the stories the teachers will tell future students about this wonderful boy who was full of love and smiles, (and a little tease!,) a boy who touched their lives forever! Today we wear “Rudy Blue” to remember and celebrate the gift of Rudy to you and to all who knew him!
Love you so much and I want to sit on that bench. Praying for you today!!!
Trish, you have been on my heart constantly. I pray for you and your family daily. Love, Sara
Precious ones God’s blessings to All. Love
Love the joy in both of your faces! Prayers always for you and your family. Aching for you
I love Rudy’s Buddy Bench, it is the best. I am so sorry for all you are going through .I am staying hopeful and positive in Prayer for you. I hope a ray of sunshine comes through on this special day to warm you with a hug. and I hope remembering Rudy’s “worlds best “smile halps ease the pain.
Happy Day Day Rudy Boy!.You are missed beyond belief,
Oh, Trish… this is the bitterest of journeys. It’s like living in a vortex, swirling around with nothing to hang on to, and then slammed into the ground. I grieve with you. Rudy’s loss was devastating to so many. It’s hard to find words to offer you comfort since I know how impossible that is right now. There will be tender moments in the future, a fleeting smile and a peaceful heart as your memories become less painful. I will be praying for you and all the family in the coming days.
Wow! I love the bench and the school staff that thought of doing such a thoughtful act of love…hugs
Dear Darling Trish,
We are in constant prayer for you, Rolf and the kids. We love you guys so much. Thank you so much for sharing from your heart today my friend. We are in tears reading along, hearing your raw emotions and your honest feelings. Oh how we wish we were up closer to come give you all big hugs and love in person. Please know we are committed to praying you guys through this~
Sloan, Bob and the kids
Oh, Geylings, what pangs you maut all feel today, and every other. It is hard enough to miss Rudy in thought and memory, but moreso for you is the sensory experience of him, so recent and so real. Trish, may you find a high road to health and peace with your own trial right now. It is more than you should bear, but you will. Love and thanks for your effervescent joy of life’s proffers. Kris
Normal – hard to use that word in the midst of so many layers of pain. But every single thing you describe in this powerful piece is exactly that, given the incredibly difficult pain level you are carrying. It sucks – BIGTIME. No words can touch it. But you have every groan I can muster. Love you.
Dear Rolf and Trish, Rich and I send much love and many prayers. It is so hard to hear about the loss and the pain here. We are just so sorry. Thank you for sharing your journey with so much transparency. Grace and Peace to you.
I pray peace for your grieving heart Trish. I speak peace into the unknown and the presence of our wonderful Father at the hardest of times. You are a treasure Trish as is your entire family. Your truth is inspiring and brings freedom to so many.
Hugs
Lynn
I Love You!
Trish, I was overwhelmed when I read the prayer request from FBC about your ASL. I shed tears and even ask God why which I rarely do. You have been through so much as a caregiver to Rudy and now this. We know God has a perfect plan but it hard to remember that. I haven’t talked to JoAn yet but I’ve been praying for you all. I know you miss Rudy so much. What a blessing he was with his wonderful smile. May God give you extraordinary strength to endure all of this. (I go to church with JoAn and am a friend of Elaine Hite) I will continue to pray for all of you.
sorry I meant ALS