Today would have been Rudy’s 9th Birthday and it’s very likely we would have done something really fun after church today…something he enjoyed like bowling perhaps. We had so much fun celebrating birthdays and we loved how Rudy would wish everybody a “Happy Day Day” on their birthdays. I can’t tell you how much it sucks that we’re not celebrating with him. It’s a pain that cannot be described.
Today is even harder than I anticipated. I have been consumed with details of my own diagnosis for the past two weeks and haven’t had head space to grieve my boy. To be honest, I feel robbed of my grieving process and today snuck up on me. If the whole ALS thing hadn’t surfaced, I would have planned something significant to mark this day…I would have taken the time to honor him and memorialize him in a creative way. Instead, life has been turned upside down, again, and my heart isn’t in it. I’m not ready to face a birthday without our boy…I’m not ready to face much.
I wish I knew where to go with this…with the thousands of thoughts that are filling my mind. I’m finding it almost impossible to harness any coherent thought. I ping pong from feeling hopeful to devastated to peaceful to in despair in a matter of a few minutes. I feel physically strong one second and unable to catch my breath the next. I can be engaged in a friendly conversation with a friend at a XC meet and then suddenly feel completely overwhelmed by the blue skies and happy people around me. My lifeboat is taking on water and I’m too weary to care.
I’m feeling pretty powerless today. The insurance authorization process has been a slow one so we don’t have the 2nd opinion appointment on the calendar yet. We did get word on Friday that authorization approval was finally granted by Blue Shield which is a relief. Once we get the paperwork, we’ll call down to UCLA and make the appointment. Please pray there is an open slot waiting just for me asap.
I wish I could say there is some joy in remembering Rudy today…I wish I could say I’m making progress in my grief…but I can’t. Today the mud has hardened and life is at a standstill. Today the grief is unbearable.
Rudy’s school installed a bench in his memory outside his special ed classroom on Thursday…’grateful for such a sweet tribute on such a painful day. ‘Grateful, too, for everyone who reached out to us this week through texts, emails, phone messages, cards and flowers. Your love continues to buoy us. Please continue to pray.