Today marks 18 months since we lost Rudy. The 25th of every month has an impact on my heart but today carries a bit more significance, for sure. A year and a half. It feels like a long time and, yet, it also feels like it was just yesterday. My mind and my heart can be transported to that ER in Guymon, OK in a blink and I am there with Rolf, the big sibs and our boy fully aware of what was happening as I experienced it unfold and in total disbelief at the same time.
I only see Rudy in my memories. Rolf is having new visions of Rudy in his dreams…comforting in the moment but heartbreaking in the wake of the dream as Rolf so eloquently describes in his latest poem:
Is where I see you now.
It’s all I’ve got.
In the last moments of the night
You’re suddenly there
I rush in
As if the yearning would ever allow me to take my time
So aware of the seconds
I pull you close
The warmth of your cheek
Your instant affection
your inability to stay still
The love of your embrace
For as long as you’ll tolerate the interruption in play
I drink it deep
Knowing it can only be a moment
Readily accepting the cost to come
Be it the flood of tears as light dawns
Or days fogged in stupor
I keep my eyes shut
Clinging to the lingering wisp of each sensation
The weight of your body that just left my arms
you were right here.
What occupies my mind today is the many ways Rudy prepared us for the journey we are on with ALS…the situations are different but the landscape is very familiar and there is a calm that comes with the familiarity. I still wish none of it was a part of our story…I wish Rudy was spared his medical frailties and a life cut so short…I wish I would be spared ALS and the family having to walk this with me. And yet, in the midst of my lamentations, I’m very much aware of our family’s “second-nature” response to life right now…there’s a certain level of “expertise” and confidence with which we are navigating ALS that can be traced back to our boy…part of his precious legacy, I guess.
We miss you desperately, dear Rudy! May you continue to feel the love in our longing for you today.
Thank you for your prayers and extra expressions of love today dear friends.