I apologize if I’m beginning to sound like a broken record but I’m not a big fan of living in limbo. On one hand, it seems like a pretty straight forward concept…”an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition” and because we’ve been in this “intermediate state” as it relates to Rudy’s medical journey since 2010 AND because we’ve come to terms with not hanging our hat on the hope of the Glenn or heart transplant at this point, you’d think the whole “limbo” thing would become kind of a moot point. The reality for me, however, is that I’m still wrestling with how that plays out in real time and I’m still exploring the complicated (and not so straight forward) layers of living in a prolonged state of limbo…primarily, of course, because it’s uncertain.
This isn’t the first time Rolf and I have lived in limbo. There was a period of about 7 years when we left the work we were doing in South Central Los Angeles, before we made our move to Santa Barbara where we waited on God for direction. It was a perplexing time because we knew without a doubt that God had called us to leave one situation but it was not accompanied by a clear calling TO the next thing whether it be a specific job or ministry or even location. We moved seven times during that season and had close to 10 odd jobs between the two of us to make ends meet…it was a challenging time and I fought the temptation to be consumed by the uncertainty of it all on a daily basis. I am a woman of order and discipline and I very much dislike it when my life is NOT orderly and disciplined. ‘Doesn’t bode well for someone living in a constant state of uncertainty…until I learned that uncertainty doesn’t have to be a chaotic, negative thing but can be “an expression of breathless expectation” (quoted from Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest/April 29). I grew to see the truth of that insight for our family back then and though the circumstances are different, I must believe it’s true for our family now as well…
Rudy had his 2-month appointment with his local cardiologist yesterday. Again, nothing dramatically different was revealed in his echo…just evidence of the slow progression his heart is journeying. Rudy’s hemoglobin is up from 21 to 22.9 (normal would be around 13). To put things in perspective, Dr. Harake explained that Rudy’s enlarged right atrium and right ventricle are bigger than a big adult’s right atrium and ventricle would be which led to another discussion about physics which led to the warning that there is a limit to the pressure Rudy’s enlarged heart will be able to sustain. He admitted that he just doesn’t know what will happen (there’s the uncertain part). He hasn’t heard of a case of HLHS where the child has survived pre-Glenn as long as Rudy without surgical treatment…no doubt a miracle (definitely falls into the breathless expectation category) but, still, there is this nagging ache on which the fear of it all feeds (there’s the human nature component). It’s difficult to separate the two realities. As we left the examination room, Dr. H said we were doing a great job, gave me a reassuring hug and told me that he learns something new from me at every appointment…(his comment made me giggle because I had JUST had a conversation with someone about “everything happening for a reason” and how I don’t believe tragic things happen for a specific purpose but that I do believe purpose can be birthed from tragic circumstances…hmmmm, either way, it’s always helpful to keep an eye on the big picture and Dr. H’s comment was a sweet reminder of that).
So, where am I going with all this? I have no idea…this is most definitely me externally processing but I do take comfort in the reminder that uncertainty creates room for endless possibility…I’ll keep you posted 🙂
This week has been full of work around home and more appointments but last week had something significant each day. Here’s a week in the life of Rudy…
Ha Ha! June is wrapping up quick around here. We’re gearing up for the 4th of July holiday and Vacation Bible School next week at our church…living in limbo doesn’t feel so bad when there’s lots of fun to be had! Bless you friends and thank you for your prayers!