I turned 46 years old yesterday. If you ask my kids, I’m old. If you ask my mom or older brothers, I’m young (…forever the baby in the family). In fact, if my dad were alive, he would have called me yesterday to say “No matter how old you get, you’ll always be my little girl” as he did every year on my birthday. Ha Ha Like alot of things, age is relative and it’s all in how you look at it, I guess. It does feel strange, however, to be in my “late 40s” officially and making a life-transition where it seems I’m “doing” less and “reflecting” more. I’m experiencing a bit of a mid-life crisis, I think, as I confront the realities of the aging process in a life half-lived (I hope!)…i.e. the need for reading glasses (my arm is no longer long enough to get by without them), unexplained stiffness in the morning (Wait! Did I go rock climbing yesterday?), perimenopausal symptoms, age spots, gray hair, wrinkles beyond the limits of “laugh lines”, etc, etc, etc. 🙂 Ha Ha Ha Stupid stuff really. Well, the physical changes are annoying but I’m actually grappling more with the non-physical realities like certain dreams and opportunities that won’t be realized…in part because of limited time in general, and in part because of the lifestyle changes we’ve made to care for Rudy. Regrets? No, not really because at certain crossroads in my life, I chose to pursue other dreams & goals and I consider caring for Rudy and his special needs a very specific calling from God that I gladly take on each day. I’m happy with my life…it’s just hard to admit that there comes a time when all the world ISN’T at your fingertips and there are certain things that just can’t happen in one’s remaining lifetime. I’m not feeling overly pessimistic…just realistic and challenged to keep it all in proper perspective.
The lesson I feel God is reiterating over and over again in this journey with Rudy is “perspective”…to not get caught up in the heavy details of life whether it’s concern for Rudy or the big kids, financial burden, hormone surges coming from the perimenopausal mama AND the teenager in the house(!), kitchen remodel fatigue or the “would haves, could haves, should haves” of middle-age but instead to keep an eye on the bigger, blessed picture.
Last month, Rudy was God’s object lesson in this on-going dialogue about “perspective” and Olivia provided this month’s reminder when she came home from her surf lesson last week. She explained how she caught and rode 5 waves but got caught up and tousled by the surf in several other attempts. When I asked her if she’s scared when she gets battered by the waves like that, she responded “No, I just pretend the waves want to play with me”!!! I love that! What a great outlook! Okay, so maybe it will be a bit of a stretch to pretend life wants to “play with me” when things are tough but I can choose to keep my head about me and not get caught up in fear. It’s all in how you look at it, right? Thanks Livy!
Medical Update: So, we’re down to just a few weeks before Rudy’s scheduled heart cath at UCLA on the 21st. Rudy sees Dr. Harake (SB cardiologist) on Friday and so far so good in keeping Rudy healthy before the cath. Please continue to pray that nothing will prevent the cath from happening on the 21st…lots of details are in place. We also have a date for Rudy’s next sleep study at CHLA…we’re scheduled for Monday April 16th. We have scheduled appts at UCLA that morning so we’ll make the most of a day in LA while we wait for the sleep study admit at 9pm later that night. I’m praying a successful sleep study will lead to quick decannulation so we can get that boy in the pool this summer!!! How fabulous it will be when Rudy is free to swim…if the way he kicks in the bathtub is any indication, I think he’ll be a great swimmer! 🙂
Here are some February highlights…