The Great Escape

It happened. I lost my ability to type.

Of all my creative skills (music making, silversmithing, crafting) I dreaded losing typing the most because my computer work is a great time filler, processing in words is therapeutic for me and also keeps me connected with people. I’m not sure what this means for the blog. Maybe I’ll continue my posts by dictating to a friend, like I am now, or maybe Rolf and the kids will choose to carry on but one way or another I hope the updates will continue for the purpose of prayer.

So how am I filling my time? You might be disappointed to know that I spend the majority of my time binge-watching Dateline or 48 Hours. Not a particularly holy practice but I find solace in being able to say I don’t envy any of their stories. To be honest, life is becoming less about adjusting to a new normal and more about escaping my reality. When I’m not at church or at Kyle’s Kitchen listening to the boys playing music or at a doctor’s appointment, I am home engaged in my binge-watching or sleeping as sleep is really the ONLY time I’m able to truly escape. It isn’t quite as pitiful as it sounds…I do have the joy of family around and my friends but the days are long and it is getting harder to fill them with meaningful moments as I lose all ability to engage in life.

I’m not only feeling trapped physically but emotionally too. Many times during the day I want to meltdown with a big cry but I don’t feel that freedom because I can’t blow my nose or wipe my eyes. I just end up getting all congested and can’t breathe. You can’t imagine how frustrating it is to not be able to blow your nose or wipe your eyes. 🙂 Of course, this is a terrible week to not feel the freedom to completely unload emotionally as we prepare to face the two-year anniversary of Rudy’s passing on Thursday. 😦 If ever it felt like the walls were closing in on all sides, it is now.

I’m not sure there is any new lesson to be learned in this season. In moments of prayer and meditation I feel like God is telling me to relax and ride the wave…to lean into my lifetime of faith and coast a little bit. Winston Churchill’s famous quote (“Sure I am of this, that you have only to endure to conquer”) keeps coming to mind. More and more this journey is about enduring not only for me but also for those who are walking with me. I actually don’t think escaping is a bad idea as long as I don’t ignore the moments in my day that are life-giving…

For example, moments like this
(PC: Dale Weber)

We don’t have a specific plan for Thursday. Unlike last year, we are going to just let the day take us where it will. I sure would appreciate your prayers for this whole week to be exactly what we all need, individually and as a family. None of this is what I envisioned for our family and yet, all of this continues to shape our family in ways that are truly giving me life now. How utterly confounding that is to me and also deeply, deeply comforting.

Okay, I need to get back to my Dateline episode but I will leave you with this tribute to Rudy. ‘Probably my all-time favorite song the boys do:

12 thoughts on “The Great Escape

  1. I know that I am just one of many, many people who pray daily, for you and your family, by name. I can only imagine the recent emotion around this recent loss. Today that daily prayer will include asking our Father to help you find a way to continue Rudy’s Beat, which I have followed since day one…
    You have always been so candid about the power of your shared vulnerability. I have learned so much from you. And I appreciate the updates to help me better focus those daily prayers. I know though that God knows far better than me what He desires for you, and I will always acknowledge His loving will.
    With much love, Kathleen

  2. whelp…I gasped when i read the first 2 sentences! I am so thankful for your friend to whom you dictate these blogs. I am grateful for the stories you share and the family moments you allow us to be apart of from afar.

    My precious friend, Trish, you are constantly in my thoughts & prayers. I printed out the blog that Rolf sent July 26th, 2017, cut and hung it that day on my perpetual calendar as my reminder. Uugghhh, precious Rudy!

    Wilson & Max’s rendition of “Will the Circle Be Unbroken” is beautiful and oh.so.touching! Yes, I sobbed listening to it. What a fine family and children you have!!!

    Words of comfort, words of comfort, words of comfort…come on Melani – I want to help! I want to change all this! uugghhh…From across the country know that I love you dearly, that you positively affect those around you and those you have never even met! You are my hero and I seek to deepen my relationship with Christ daily, as your example of living for HIM is exemplary!

    As I have written to you before, even in the midst of these horrific trials you are daily living you still keep your sense of humor! AMAZING!!!

    Lord, bring Trish, your precious child, peace that passes all understanding, grace to continue, Joy UNSPEAKABLE, rest each night, refreshment in times of being awake, distractions when needed. COVER HER with your Holy Presence! You Lord are our Jehovah Nissi, our Banner! May You ever fly high above her and her precious family. May each one never question that You Lord are present. You Lord are our Jehovah Jireh, our Provider. Provide EVERYTHING that this precious family needs! Send Your ministering angels to her! Grant this Lord is my prayer today! I ask expectantly in Your Mighty and Matchless Name Jesus Christ, You who never leaves or forsakes us! Amen, Amen & Amen!

    You are close in my heart! I love you so!

  3. I have been checking for a new blogpost daily this week and now I read of this sad reality…. the loss of your ability to word process!!! I am so thankful for all the words you have already “spoken”…. they are a treasure!!!!! I know you are drinking up the love from your family and friends but girl!!! We all give you a free pass to do what it takes to survive this unspeakable suffering!!!! I wish all this love we all feel for you could lessen the power of this disease!!!!! But perhaps it can only serve as a foreshadowing of more and more love to come!!! The Circle will never be broken!!!! Love that song- especially that version!!!! We will keep you close on Thursday….love you so much!

  4. Man! That just stinks!
    I love that your musical
    talent has passed to your boys! What a heritage!
    Awhile ago I changed my iPad wallpaper to a lovely picture of your face…helps me to remember to keep you and the family prayed up. Love you Trish!

  5. You, dear Trish, are forever in our thoughts and prayers. While it is not clear if there is a lesson to be learned, the fact that you are teaching with every word, every share, and every moment, is incredibly evident.

    Much love,
    Cathy and Larry Diersing

  6. Sweet friend,
    Thank you for continuing to let us into your journey. I wish I could do more than pray. I absolutely love the video of the boys! What a treasure! Praying for you, more often with groans than words. Love you and your precious fam ❤

  7. To loose the ability to cry with abandonment and write with thoughtfulness are unfathomable.
    Thank you, once again, for the generosity of your honesty it is a gift to us all.
    I am sending you love and my daily prayers.

  8. I echo every thought expressed here on the pages of Rudy’s Beat. There are no words that will every express my deep love and appreciation for the whole Geyling family lead by two of the most Christ like people I have ever encountered. The next generation is a gift to Gods Kingdom and a legacy given.
    Trish I am so sorry that the ability to type has been lost…I love you my friend. Gods great comfort today and all your days. Shalom

  9. I pray for you and your family. I am not good at expressing myself, just please know that I love you.

  10. So many years since I had last since Trish. Many years ago I had the privilege and joy of serving as a pator where she and Rolf began their early years. I wish I had stayed more connected…not from guilt…as we all had full lives in different cities…raising families…but because of the gift both she and Rolf are…and the realities of life she knew. I am so glad to have found this video of her the memorial… cried through so much. The words that stood our so much were those of a son describing the juncture in which they lived.
    “Existing between a thin thin margin between hope and heartbreak. A place where acceptance was critical when answers were scarce. A place where recognizing reality took precedent over reconciling with the reasons for that reality.”
    With tears of honor for sharing the reality of that space with us all.

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