Boy, I sure wish I knew the answer to that question. Although there weren’t any major surprises in the results of Rudy’s heart cath on Thursday, I have to say the disappointment over his lungs is weighing heavy on me. I guess I expected his lungs to show significant improvement because he is so much bigger, stronger and looks so much healthier than ever before. To hear Dr. Dan say “he’s not a strong candidate for the Glenn at this point” took me by surprise and left my stomach in knots. Deeply disappointed yes, but at the same time, I don’t want the disappointment to overshadow the encouraging report on his heart. God has allowed Rudy to thrive with a shunt he was expected to outgrow months ago! One of many miracles along the way that is getting us from point A to point B. And so we wait with our weight of mixed emotions and re-align our hearts and minds to living in limbo a little longer (the alliteration there is kind of fun to say 5 times real fast). We haven’t heard word yet from the pulmonologist whose consult will hopefully help direct the cardiac team in their decision-making process but Rudy does see Dr. Harake (SB cardiologist) tomorrow morning so we hope, hope, hope he has some news for us.
To add to the list of reasons to worry, both boys had issues surface this week that were out of character for them and it’s hard to know whether it’s just normal pre-teen boy stuff or stress-related behavior. I feel like Steve Martin in the movie “Parenthood”. Have you seen that movie? I remember thinking it was funny when I first saw it in college but now I watch it and just howl with laughter as I can TOTALLY relate to it’s portrayal of parenthood. Anyway, there’s this one scene when Steve Martin is distressed over his young son’s issues with anxiety and is fearful that how he responds in that moment will mean the difference between his son becoming a well-adjusted, valedictorian college graduate OR the kid who locks himself in the clock tower on campus in a shooting rampage! That’s how I’m feeling this week…like I could “blow it” on so many levels…well, not “could blow it”, “HAVE blown it” in the way I’m handling life and my kids in this big bubble of disappointment and fear. Today I wrestle with the question “how do you help your kids navigate a journey like this in a healthy, hopeful way when you are having a week when you can’t seem to do that for yourself?”.
I’ve been so consumed by how I’M feeling that I totally forgot to commemorate Rudy turning 16 months old on Monday!!! SIXTEEN months…that means we’ve had Rudy home for over 9 months! With all the joys, heaviness, victories and stomach knots…it continues to be remarkable!!!!